Call me old fashioned, ladies, but I think I should buy you a drink. I won’t argue, however, with this aggressive new strategy you’ve cooked up. You took matters into your own hands and set a new standard. You’ve simultaneously stolen and damaged my heart. I can’t help it though. It’s hot. And crispy. This train stops next at flirtation station, because sending the guy who caught your eye a plate of bacon is brilliant. I feel like a piece of meat.
Monthly Archives: April 2011
NBA Enthusiast’s Girlfriend Reflects on the Chicago Bulls’ First Round Playoff Series and their prospects for Round 2
Carlos Boozer needs to put on his pants…his game-playing pants.
Q: What would you do if you had the strength of 10,000 men?
A: Are you implying that I do not already have the strength of 10,000 men?
Q: It seemed a safe assumption, spaghetti arms.
A: Whatever. I’m going to have to get you tickets to the gun show.
Q: The flare gun show, maybe. Starter’s pistol show?
A: More like the AK-4—
Q: BB Gun show!
A: I’d spend my life making sure I didn’t touch anyone or anything. Are we done now?
Q: Why wouldn’t you touch anything?
A: If I opened a door, I’d pull it off its hinges. If I hit the gas pedal in a car, my foot would go through the road. A glass would shatter in my hand when I picked it up. I’d have no idea how to control the strength of 10,000 men. I’d kill someone just by hugging them. It would be a sad, lonely life.
Q: No, you can control it, that’s part of the power.
A: And is that the only power, or can I fly too?
Q: I’m willing to give you flying.
A: And I can stop bullets?
Q: No, you’re not Superman.
A: So, strength of 10,000 men with a degree of control such that I don’t break anything around me, no matter how fragile. I can fly, but bullets will kill me.
Q: Right. So what do you do?
A: Furniture delivery.
Why else would he leave Peach Snapple in my basket?
How to tell that the NBA fan in your life is faking his recently developed agoraphobia in order to watch every single first round playoff game.
You asked him to leave the house during a first round playoff game.
Baby, I got you tacos. Were there any major HGTV developments? What? They’re complaining about outdated kitchen appliances within that price range? The show is called ‘House Hunters’, not ‘Overbearing Mother’s Unrealistic Expectations for her Daughter’s First Home’. You’re right, ‘House Charity’ would have been more succinct. They should focus on location! Buy that place and fix up the kitchen later. I take that back, for when you are right, you’re right. They should absolutely go for the condo with the open layout and the small second bedroom that could be used for a home office. Oh, you can use my hot sauce. Sorry, I should have gotten extra. Baby, I’ve always said hardwood floors are the tortilla in the taco of happiness, and granite countertops the carne asada. You’re right, that was a stupid metaphor.
Back to the drawing board. Still no tacos, though we did go shoe shopping.
Baby, are you hungry? You know what would be so good? Tacos. How long has it been? Let me paint you a picture and propose a plan of action. Tonight. Dinner. Tacos. The plan? You go get me tacos. You get in the car, you drive to a taqueria, you order a bunch of tacos, you get extra hot sauce, and you bring them back here. I will keep an eye on the televised sports and, upon your return, brief you on any major developments. Then we’ll eat the tacos. Baby, put on your taco-getting shoes and get me tacos.
TM: Good afternoon. I’m so and so calling from Such and Such Marketing and today we are conducting a survey on dental insurance. We were hoping you would share some of your thoughts and feelings on dental insurance with us. We would need to speak to an adult in the household 18 years of age or older.
Me: We don’t have an adult 18 years or older in the house. It’s like that old television show, Party of Five. Our parents died and now it’s just the kids living on our own, doing the best we can.
TM: Alright, sir. Have a nice afternoon.
Me: Seriously, I’m struggling with my new responsibilities as head of the family!
TM: Sir, Matthew Fox’s character on that show was over 18. There’s no way he would have been given custody of his orphan siblings otherwise.
Me: There was a special exception made for us – as long we promised not to take calls from telemarketers.
TM: Sir, you realize that I don’t want to call you to ask about dental insurance, don’t you? Please tell me that you understand that I take no pleasure in making these calls, bothering people in their homes, listening to their smartass Party of Five responses
Me: Wait, other people do the Party of Five joke?
TM: All the time, sir.
TM: I call because it’s my job and it’s not the best, but it’s certainly better than not having a roof over my head, or food in my mouth, or affordable dental insurance. I honestly don’t care if all your teeth fall out.
Me: Oh…I just….
TM: I’m sorry, that went too far. I hope your teeth are fine, sir…
Consider someone whose skill set is really just paying bills, i.e. this person is the absolute best at the act of opening envelopes, writing checks, licking envelopes, and dropping them in the mail. That skill set of paying the bills probably wouldn’t pay the bills.